Mon. Nov. 1. Today there is a move being made by our women to petition Congress in both houses to make some changes in our government. Sister Eliza is sending persons hither and thither on these errands. There is no change in regard to the martials and president Young.
Tues. Nov. 2. Today Belle is twenty seven years old, she is in San Francisco stopping at the Palace Hotel. how different things are with me today than they were then how changed everything seems. those whom I loved then are dead now, and no one loves me as him who has gone.1 yet many things have transpired of a pleasant and unpleasant nature since that time and now all is over for me as regards bearing children and the associations of love and its duties in that [p. 43] respect. A friend of mine called at the office and asked me to spend the evening with
him them, and accordingly I went, was not as well entertained and did not feel as <much at> home as I had done previous times. I staid tolerably late as I called on some other friends. Mrs. Kimball came and spent the evening with Emma as I was obliged to excuse myself.
Wednesday It is rather stormy and dull, Emma went to the Wasatch with Rob. [Robert W.] Sloan. it met at Luella Cobb’s. We were quite lonely at home.
Thursday Nov. 4. It is a cold chilly disagreeable day and no good company to cheer one, everything gloomy and chee[r]less Mrs. Richards father has come from Smithfield, the paper is progressing slowly.
Friday Nov. 5. Ellen [Woodward Fuller] is 44 today– poor girl I wonder how she is and what she is thinking of her friends. she is too far for any of us to go to see her. we are all busy with our own lives and take to little notice of each other; time seems to short for intimacies and soon we pass away and are forgotten. I lost my <gold> eye glasses to-day somewhere I feel so sorrowful about it they were so very nice and a present from Emma. Lou. went to a party in the 14th, ward with David Hilstead.
Sat. Nov. 6. This has certainly been a day of annoyances for me I have been crying nearly all day, O this is a wearisome kind of life to live, to be no one’s particular or special care and yet not be independent. If I were a widow or old maid then I could do just as I pleased. but to be bound hand and foot and have no power to act and then be found fault with. I had a letter from Belle.
Sunday Nov. 7. Harry Emery came down and brought Dot a letter from her mother. I went up to Mell’s met Ned & Lile there also Park. Spent the evening at Miss Cooks. [p. 44]
Annie & Lou. had the parlor full of young people until ten,
10, <8.> The weather is cold and cloudy President Young’s case is still unsettled the cabinet are reviewing the matter, or consulting upon it.2 In the evening Annie and Lou went to the association, and Em. to call upon Mr. & Mrs. Henry Wells3 at the Walker House with her father I was at the Office until after ten.
10, 9 This is one of the days when everything goes wrong when all the powers of darkness seem to have combined to make me miserable; so it is with me to-day I am so extravagant, so lazy so everything that is bad. according to the notion of my husband’s steward. Well thank goodness they are not my judges. a gentleman called at the office to inquire for Sister Eliza.
Wednesday, Nov. 10, All day long my heart has been saddened I seemed to want to see some one who would comfort me, some one who would inspire me with renewed courage, to aspire to something more than what I had ever yet attained. In the evening the girls had the Amateur Association here. Em. went to the other house to attend the Wasatch, there was a Sunday School party in the Ward and all the girls went after the society closed, I was alone and as wretched as I knew how to be, Helen [Mar Kimball] Whitney slept here, she was on her way to Spring ville, had taken the wrong train of cars the previous day and gone to Ogden instead of Springville. It is Mrs. Addison Pratt’s birthday seventy-three
Thurs. Nov. 11, This day has been an almost incessant rain sometimes drizzling sometimes pouring, my husband came to see me in the afternoon, and I had lots of callers Sister <B. [Bathsheba]> Smith Mary Jane Whitney [Groo] and lots more, my husband was particularly gracious and gave me all the affection possible. promised to come down to the house in the evening. Mr. Taylor from Cleveland Ohio who is stopping at the Walker House called, soon after my husband came and we came down to the house together he spent the evening here with us. [p. 45]
We were mutually pleased and gratified for although his visits to me [are] unfrequent and irregular yet whenever he comes he seems to enjoy himself immensely.
Friday Nov. 12. Miss Cooks <first> term of this year closed today. Every thing passed off pleasantly, Cornelia arrived from Bear Lake the evening was spent in copying Memorials of the women of Utah to the Houses of Congress; these memorials contain several articles one being to have Utah admitted as a state another to repeal the Antti Polygamy bill of 1862. and the Poland Bill etc.4
Sat. Nov. 13. A gentleman from Rochester New York called at the office and made inquiries concerning Mormonism and plural marriage. the weather is windy and disagreeable. a fearful storm came up at evening, rain and hail; Em. came up to the office for me. Sep. is very unwell,
Sun. Nov. 14. I was at home all day taking care of Sep. felt a little worried about him: in the evening we had a crowd of young people as usual. I am feeling badly.
Mon. Nov. 15. The ground is covered with snow and everything presents a forlorn appearance, mud and slush. No news of any pleasing sort. sorrowful all day long desponding even to melancholy; in the evening staid at the office until rather late. came home in the storm. A terrible fire last night in Main Street <[Warren] Hussey’s bank burned>
Tues. Nov. 16. Another unpleasant day rainy muddy cloudy, Cornelia Horne told me she was going to be married and invited me to her wedding; in the evening Emma went to call upon Kittie Heywood who has just returned from the East. Mr. Hendrie called and spent the evening with us. we were very pleasant and happy and the girls were very agreeably entertained. just as he was going out Em. came in and he returned with her and staid until rather late. we chatted upon all sorts of general topics, interesting and intellectual. [p. 46]
Wednes. Nov. 17. Today was Della’s Clawson’s wedding day, dark and rainy; Miss Jean Clara Walters Benefit in the evening, I went and took Lou. the Wasatch met here in the evening. and Annie went to the Amateur. The theatre was rather monotonous; saw many of my friends there enjoyed the evening very much. it was storming excessively; but was rather better when we came out. I was feeling depressed and gloomy. why must I be always so melancholy and hopeless, is there nothing in this life can satisfy me?
Thurs. Nov. 18. We were busy all day long mailing etc. rain pouring down, very busy all day long. evening came home early for me.
Friday <Nov. 19> A day full of expectancy and anticipation rainy too, almost incessantly. In the evening staid at the office until after eight came home very ill, suffered severely all night fever and pain cold and hot flashes; Sep kept the girls up all night Annie had been out to a surprise party.
Sat. Nov. 20. Still stormy cold and dismal worked very hard all day long at keeping them in a good supply of copy. Em. was not very well Sep. was better came home just after eight.
Sun. Nov. 21. A very dismal day Emma was very ill and we sent for Dr. Lindsly, he came and staid with us about two hours. We were very much alarmed. she suffered extremely but towards evening slept then got up dressed and came down to rehearse Shakespeare for a private theatrical. several young people were here who belonged to the class. and the younger girls had their set up in my sitting room. seemingly there is no place and no companionship for me, I find few congenialities among my acquaintances. [p. 47]
Monday Nov. 22. A fire again this morning early Davis & Howe’s machine-shop in the 17th, ward. Em. is better and started to school, but ought not, Sister [Amanda Darrow] Childs and Robertson called on me at the office to-day. My husband came to see me in the evening. We had a pleasant time. Annie & Louie went to the 14th ward association. Vice President [Henry] Wilson died this morning. Great preperations are being made to have his body embalmed. Medical men are about to make an examination of the state of his brain etc.
Tues. Nov. 23. This is a very dark gloomy and unpleasant day and everything seems dismal around and about. We have had lots of callers in the office, Rob. Sloan invited Emma to go to the party; the Zeta Gamma5 she is having a new white tarletan made for the occasion. I am invited to a Surprise party. at Sister Smith’s. I went with Sister Richards to the Coop6 to get her a dress and wrap. In the evening we had the house full of young people. I was feeling miserably. The wind is blowing and the rain is beating down furiously. No news from Belle. Mellie has been down here and at the office with the new baby.
Wednes. Nov. 24. This is Hanmer’s birthday he is twenty-six today. The day is cold and damp and cloudy rain now and then especially towards evening. We are all preparing our minds to be re-baptized,7 went at evening and gave in our names. Em. was very late getting off to the party. her dress was very long and too full. The rain poured down in torrents in the evening. [p. 48]
Thursday Nov. 25. This is a day of general thanksgiving and rejoicing, A few of the good sisters convened at Sister Smiths who has lately been bereaved of her husband by death, and made a pleasant surprise party. and as it was the general meeting day of the society it was most happily timed– and
all <it> was most happy combination of meeting and party together. Aunt Rhoda Richards who is ninety one years of age was present, Mother Whitney, Sister Eliza and many others of the most noted women of Utah. In the evening Ort. Whitney came in from Bingham and attended Em. to the Wasatch, Annie & Louie went to a party over in the Wasatch Hotel. I was alone all the evening and very lonely indeed; When Em. returned she brought with her Brig. [Brigham Bicknell Young] and Rettie [Henrietta] Young and Ort. Whitney and they sang and played choruses from the opera. I was doing a little to my manuscript.
Friday Nov. 26. In the morning it was a little damp and commenced raining soon after and was a dull drizzly day, the evening was particularly wet. went for a few minutes to see my sister. composed a verse for Cornelia’s wedding-cake and received a letter from my sister Ellen [Woodward Fuller] telling me her eldest daughter8 was married.
Saturday Nov. 27. This morning was a little brighter and more pleasant than before, but although one’s spirits will revive a little with the weather, yet a depression of such a nature as is calculated to sadden cannot be thrown off in a moment, and one must struggle long before they can overcome such an overwhelming torrent of feelings that master you, as has crushed me, during the last few weeks. When one places implicit confidence in a friendship that has seemed more than heaven, more than the ties of blood or any close connection I say when these hopes are shattered and all the golden chords loosed the silver bowl broken, when we can never again trust to [p. 49] these ties, when we have only ruined hopes to cling to and all is shrouded in darkness, what shall we do, or where shall we
return, if we have made ourselves an idol and hedged it round with all our loving thoughts, clothed it in bright glowing idealistic costume, created a shrine wherein to worship it, and in all earnestness and sincerity, have made our vows consecrated with a baptism more sad and solemn, than that of any church rite; This it is that crushes the life-blood and fills the soul with despair.
Sunday Evening Nov. 28. This is Nettie [Susan Annette] Wells birthday she is eighteen years old to-day. Emma and myself Mr. MacAllister [Duncan M. McAllister] and wife9 were invited to Mellie’s to dinner; we had turkey and many other good things; enjoyed ourselves extremely well– Em. spent part of the evening and I went up to Mrs. Richards. We had the new revise-sheet and she would have me put my name in as editor [of Woman’s Exponent] along with hers, On many accounts I know it will be better and on some I regret it– for I do not feel as if my husband would be pleased with it. and I know some of my family will not. others again will be glad, but for strangers it is better, as I generally
I am interrogated to know why I do not have my name used. The little folks had lots of company to-night. I am low spirited and desponding although there are many things to cheer me now to what I have been accustomed to in days gone by. Yet what I most desire is denied to me, is it possible that one must always sacrifice their dearest treasure? In many instances this seems the case, and it is so with me, to see one person who shuns me would be more to me than all the rest who smile upon me and applaud me one word from him would be more satisfactory would yield me more contentment, than all else. [p. 50]
Mon. Nov. 29. This is the wedding day of a dear young lady friend10 I went about three o’clock my husband went too, and Emma, we had <a> grand dinner of about half a dozen or more courses; Presents were heaped in profusion upon the bride; silver, glass, furniture, linen pictures and all sorts of tender remembrances, toasts drank plays of various kinds and cake wine and music in profusion. the bride just approaching her 20th. birthday was innocent lovely and blushing. the bridegroom a trifle older was manly and reserved. all passed off pleasantly. I read a poem dedicated to her for the momentous occasion and some of the young people recited sketches etc.
Tues. Nov. 30. This is the last day of Autumn. O glorious season, one that has given to me such supreme pleasure never before had I realized such infinite and exquisite joy never again can I ever experience the same, O joy of joys Today something occurred to sadden me so completely. O my soul is filled with such terrible sorrow as one can scarcely bear. no hope of any relief comes.